Return To Honor

One of the most powerful and endearing statements to ever come out of the military has been “No One Left Behind.” There are countless stories, many of them having resulted in earning someone the Medal Of Honor, that attest to how powerfully felt that statement is to those who have served in combat, and few things stirs our hearts more than to know that someone might feel that way about one of us when we are in trouble. It’s a bond of brotherhood and, if you like, of sisterhood that embraces the notion that we are all “family” in some way…that we belong to one another in some fashion. It is what made this country strong and truly great…families and the sense of “family” that compelled people to work together with a common cause, direction and purpose.
We need that sense of community and “family” now, in every aspect of our society…in our schools, our churches, workplaces and even in our streets. I know it’s hard to embrace that notion with regard to those who might appear to be against us or unwilling to treat us in the same fashion, but that does not diminish the need for us to stop thinking of anyone as separate from us and therefore undeserving of our consideration of their inherent value. If they are troublemakers or have broken laws, then certainly they must be punished…but they still need and deserve to be treated as human beings rather than the dregs of society.
By that I am not saying that we must be easy or soft on them. Quite the contrary. If they are a threat to us, they must be removed from society and kept locked up until they have been “corrected,” which means just that. To punish people harshly without any attempt to redirect their behavior and attitude is only to make them worse…more hateful, more vengeful. Many among them are veterans who have endured some of the most heinous acts of war, and returned to society expected to pick up where they left off.
Veterans or not, they are all someone’s brothers, or sisters, or fathers, mothers, uncles, and so on, and 90% of them will someday be released back into our communities. Do we want them back full of hatred and vengeance, or do we want safer streets and more productive citizens with greater incentive to do right in the world? It’s up to us to demand that they be properly educated and truly “corrected,” which is not as hard as some “experts” would have us believe. Many of them want to change. They just don’t know how, or whom to trust, and few of them leave prisons and jails with anything but the clothes on their backs. In war, which we are fighting on many levels, that’s tantamount to leaving them behind. Only these won’t die or go away. They’ll be in our faces and perhaps in our living rooms someday…and it won’t be to say thank you.
Don Kirchner
July 30, 2010

My father was a career military officer, whose most common admonishment to me was “No excuses.” I hated that term, and resented it every time it came up. There are always reasons for things to happen, I would rationalize…how could such a blanket statement apply in every instance? Was he totally brainwashed by the military?

I eventually joined the Army and learned to fly helicopters, and gradually I began to see things a bit more his way…but there were still very good reasons for some things to happen the way they did…and my mind became most adept in coming up with excellent examples. Years later, as I paced jailhouse floors and sat on prison cots trying to figure out what went wrong and why I was there, I noticed everyone in there had an excuse for why “things” always happened to them.

I’ve worked in the field of prisoner aftercare and re-entry for quite a number of years since then, and I’m amazed at how such broad subjects as human redemption, overcoming adversity and changing criminal behavior can be reduced to one simple sentence: Either one is making powerful choices or endless excuses. No exceptions, no long lists of “reasons” why things didn’t work out or how things just keep “happening” to them. Everything, in the end, is matter of choices we make…no matter who we are or where our paths have led us. As I tell prisoners and correctional officials alike, if you step back far enough in your mind, and be honest about it, you can see how everything came about because of the choices you have made.

The key to personal freedom, as I have discovered over and over again without fail, is to recognize the patterns of one’s life, and to accept that no one and no-thing “did it” to you, or “put you” there. You chose to take every step you have taken, and once you accept the truth of that statement, you can begin to make better choices that will lead you out of the traps of wrong thinking and emotion-based behavior to a better, more positive future. Those choices, however small or large they might be, will be powerful choices because they will be consciously made, with clear awareness of cause and effect. Because you will be paying closer, more objective attention to how you are thinking and taking responsibility for the effects of those choices, you will make increasingly better and more clear choices, and you will never again have to wonder what happened to you, or why.

It’s a matter of choice, or chance. I’ll take the former.

No excuses.

Don Kirchner

July 29, 2010

Charles Dickens wrote in A Tale Of Two Cities the classic line, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.” At no other time in my tumultuous life have I known that to be more true than right now. I look ahead and I look around, and I see and feel dread, fear, anger and despair, and yet in the midst of it and beyond it in truly glorious colors, shades and hues I also see and feel beauty, hope, promise and even joy.
How is that possible, and which is really true? A teacher of mine once said that everything has its balancing counterpart, and if we can step back in our minds far enough from any given event or experience, we will see the balance of all forces. Many of our great religions teach us in some form or another that “God gives us hardships in direct proportion to what we are capable of handling.” How capable we are of “handling” anything, I believe, is the degree to which we are able to “step back” and look objectively at the dilemmas of our lives. Our willingness to do that enables us to see those dilemmas for what they really are…opportunities to gain strength, insight and clarity about things we only thought we knew about before, or had learned…or perhaps resisted out of fear or discomfort or arrogance.
Whatever they are or have been for you, they are not insurmountable or as bad as they may seem, no matter how grim or awful they may look. They are only that way to the extent that you fear them, resist them or detest them. It is vital that you do not see anything or anyone as “doing something to you,” but rather that you have created the experience yourself through many different devices, beliefs and patterns of behavior and thinking for your own growth and transformation. “God” didn’t do anything to you but give you grace…which is your own spirit to draw upon for insight, inspiration and faith to accept what is before you and what you’ve left behind you in your wake, and do something positive and counterbalancing not just to make it right but to propel you out of the storms and into the bright, sunny light of day beyond them.
If you choose to see only the storms and the difficulties, you will only continue to create them as further “evidence” that life is stormy…the “worst of times,” as Dickens wrote. If you choose, however, to see the storms as merely experiences you have created to learn something or simply something to experience and gain wisdom from, then they will abate and you will see and experience what a friend of mine and I coined recently as “tangible miracles”…things that happen for no particular reason that bring new light, new friendships, unforeseen encounters and “chance” meetings with others who suddenly make life so much more meaningful, joyous and fun. Suddenly, it’s the best of times.
You and you alone have the power to change even the worst of maelstroms in your life into forces of good and decency. Call on God or Allah or the Great Spirit, if you wish, to help you through it, but know in your deepest psyche that it is you that determines by your daily choices how to view the problems in your life in such a way that you can thank them, bless them and use them so you can stop hacking and slashing your way through a jungle when there is a paved road only a few yards away.
You can keep hacking and slashing if you wish to, but at least you’ll know the road is always there. Then you can stop from time to time, raise your goblet in toast to the journey you’re on…and laugh. It’s only as bad as we think it is.
To the journey…

Don Kirchner

Sedona, AZ

A close friend of mine and I were in a discussion today about relative terms…words and phrases like love, truth, respect…and honor…words we all tend to take for granted assuming that everyone knows what we’re talking about when we use them. I was referring to men in prison who do their time “honorably” should be acknowledged somehow…maybe with a certificate of achievement or something to give them some kind of recognition for having done the right thing.
“What does that mean?” she retorted. “You think we should give them an award for doing time for something they screwed up? How can that be ‘honorable’?”
I was a bit taken aback because she works with me and she well knows what I mean by ‘honor.’ Or so I thought. It’s about standing tall, telling the truth, being in integrity and so forth. Even men in prison know the core truth of what that means. But then again, maybe not. I’ve had audiences of inmates stand and cheer when I talk about them doing their time ‘honorably.’ They seem to know what I mean, but maybe that’s just slogans and feel-good words. But my own teammate and manager didn’t seem to get what I thought was a given. Then I realized that she was making a damn good point: We don’t always speak the same language. Honor to an inmate can, in fact, be very different from honor on the battlefield, or the corporate workplace. It’s a relative term, no matter how much we might assume everyone knows what it is.
To men in prison, it’s more than staying out of trouble while doing their time. It’s about going the extra distance to make sure you’re not even suspect by people on either side of the walls of doing something devious or not right. You don’t sidestep issues or lie or manipulate others. You reach out, even if it’s without someone knowing, and you help them in some way. It’s caring about others first and yourself second…while still keeping to yourself and not interfering with their lives. It’s being courageous without bullying or resorting to needless violence…even if courage involves walking…not running…away from trouble. It’s about not buying into the “unwritten rules” of behavior that keep men on both sides playing mind games and intimidating each other. It’s about doing kind things and doing any job well, even when no one’s watching.
It’s no different on the outside, really…just less intense and far less threatening or intimidating. Prison (and jail) are places to learn fast…albeit a bit painfully at times…how to do such things without compromising one’s character or integrity. If one can accomplish that while locked up, that’s a huge jump in maturity and self-respect…which leads instantly to outward respect. To me, that’s what ‘honor’ is about…respect. That doesn’t mean coddling or cowtowing to others, or sucking up to them. It means simply that you acknowledge each person as a human being…not an “inmate” or any other label we use all too frequently for people we don’t know or understand or run with.
Anyone who can get through any length of sentence in prison or jail without incident, hostility or negative behavior certainly deserves some credit. It’s damn hard to get through such an experience without being confronted at some point. Anyone who does, has accomplished something significant, and yes…they deserve a certificate. From some of the places I’ve seen and heard about, just getting through it alive and intact and sane is cause for a medal…and receiving some sort of credit for doing their time well should be actively monitored by prison and jail staff, and make note of when it happens, how often and by whom…and that person will come out a better man or woman because someone took the time to notice in the first place, then made an effort to acknowledge it.
Yes…give them some recognition for getting through the minefields and the cesspools of the twisted world of our present correctional system…while under constant threat of ‘enemy fire.’ Give them a medal, a stripe or a certificate or something to say they did something honorable. That will be even better than a job reference, once we do it often enough and well enough to get it started. Once it shows up in changed attitudes by released as well as present inmates, and by correctional officials themselves, and others on the outside who are exposed to continued ‘honorable’ living, it will spread like wildfire.
What an example we could set by seeing someone come out of the pits of hell, clean themselves up and get back into the workforce…or, better yet, into schools and colleges once they qualify. After all, that’s what made this country great.

Don Kirchner

January 27, 2010

I recently saw a trailer for a new movie, “The Visitor.” I haven’t seen the movie yet, but I’m certainly going to because the tag line hooked me: You can live your whole life and never know who you are…until you’ve seen the world through others’ eyes.

The trailer went on to show a man bored with his life who, by chance, is exposed to the lives of people less fortunate than him. In a few short minutes, I was swept up into his new outlook as he began to reach out to others and use his professional skills and insights to make life a little better and more meaningful for them.

Have you looked at the world through others’ eyes? I have…and now I can hardly do anything but that. I was born into a fairly respectable family…a career Army officer and mother who raised us as morally as anyone in the Midwest, where we were all from. But he bailed out early in my life for reasons known only to his soul, and I was left to make crucial decisions way too early for that busy little mind of mine to handle. As a result, what should have been a pretty decent future became for a while a series of jail and prison cells.

I was forced to discover that life was very different for a whole lot of people outside of my protected military upbringing. Those people had lived through outrageous challenges that most people can only imagine through graphic portrayals of prison life in movies, books and television programs.

What I experienced, once I got over the initial fears and posturing that goes on between ethnic groups and different cultures, was a common human thread…men who were struggling with the same fears, angers and remorse…albeit often hidden…that I was.

Once I began to use my education and communication skills to help them better understand their behavior and how to change their attitudes and their outlook, I discovered a whole world of men who could overcome anything…and many who actually wanted to. They just didn’t know how…nor had anyone on the outside willing to help them make the lasting changes needed. More often than you might believe, I had hardened criminals with tattoos and scars all over their bodies in tears as they told me stories of their childhoods and how much they wanted to be respected and cared about by society.

Whether you’re dealing with prisoners or former prisoners, or people who are merely prisoners of their own minds and negative attitudes, the willingness on your part to see the world through their eyes can and will make the biggest difference in bringing about deep and lasting changes in the way we live our lives and build toward a more meaningful future. If you will pause from time to time and be willing to see the world through others’ eyes, your world will change for the better…guaranteed.

Don Kirchner

http://ReturnToHonor.org

Next to Thanksgiving and Valentine’s Day (which isn’t really an “official” holiday, I know), Independence Day was always my favorite. It was Summer at its best…picnics, frolicking in grassy parks, barbeques and watermelon, and a sense of freedom about which I only had the tiniest inkling. What a great day it was to be alive, and full of hope and great expectations for a promising future. For a kid, life was always grand come July 4th.

But I suspect that for many people this Independence Day, life’s not at all so “grand.” Even among the more affluent whose formerly tidy estates have disintegrated into worthless real estate deeds, stock certificates  and dwindling bank accounts, things are beginning to look pretty grim right now. I have a number of once optimistic friends who are beginning to believe that empty store shelves, bread lines and soup kitchens might become a reality soon. I shake my head when I hear such talk, for I well know by this point that the more of us that think that way, the more it does become a reality.

To me, they’ve lost track of who they are, and how “independence” is created and maintained. It’s not about the things we have or don’t have. It’s about who we are, what sort of attitude we have, and how strong our friendships and family ties are. It’s also about our faith in ourselves, and how willing we are to brush off adversity and appearance of gloom and doom on the horizon, and shine our lights as brightly as possible. It’s about giving back to others in any way possible, and not complaining, commiserating or giving up. It’s caring about and respecting others, no matter who they are or what their age, gender or cultural backgrounds might be. That sets us all free, sooner or later.

The bleak and gloomy prospects on that horizon are merely dark clouds, and their impact on us will be directly proportional to the degree of collective belief we have in either dispersing them or drawing them to us…just as it was for our Forefathers and veterans of many wars who went through real gloomy times to make sure that we wouldn’t have to. So, I’m urging you to embrace a more positive outlook no matter what, to see if we can re-discover our true independence…again.

Happy Fourth to you…

Don Kirchner
ReturnToHonor.org